Their birth, My rebirth

JULY 23rd 2018

I’m writing this exactly 365 days after the worst night of my life. Don’t worry, this is a happy story, because it ends with the three healthy and happy kids you see in my pictures.

I really want to open up about this subject because honestly it was a situation where I had no idea how to react and I would’ve loved to have read or heard something about it before I went through it.

As many of you know, when you’re having twins, triplets, quadruplets, etc. you have to consider extra special cares besides the ones you take during a single baby pregnancy. Mainly because they have a higher probability of being born earlier.

I felt great during my pregnancy. Oli was only 1 year old when we received the news and she was going through the walking and “open every drawer phase”, so I didn’t really have time to rest apart from the fact that I don’t know how to rest and relax ( people who know me can confirm this, I always need to be busy doing something).

When I was 36 weeks pregnant I went to see my doctor to see how things were going and to my surprise he told me that he needed to do a C-Section the next day or the day after and that I had to stay in bed resting until then.

To be sincere I felt really calm. I thought that everything would go exactly as it did when Oli was born, a good pregnancy, going to the hospital, having the baby and coming home.

2 Days later I was at the hospital and I still remember joking with Arturo about how funny it was to be back there so quickly. Everything felt so familiar and I just felt like I knew my way around the hospital. And what happened next blew my mind, for I hadn’t imagined that life was going to give me one of the biggest lessons.

Everything during the operation went great and I was nervous as any other mother, just wishing to see my babies faces for the very first time.

To be frank, everything is a bit blurry and confusing. Those days I just felt like my soul was a little bit separated from my body. I think you know the feeling.

Jeronimo just a few seconds after being born

So,back to the story, the first baby came out, Jeronimo. I just felt a huge relief when they told me that everything was fine and it was time to get the other one. Three minutes later, Lucia started to cry and that was when it hit me. I just had two babies! I just felt so stupid about all the times people asked me if I was scared they were two. I always answered: ‘NOT at all’

What? Not at all? Of course I’m scared. I have no idea what to do.

When Oli was born she was handed to me right after she took her first breath and they let her stay near me for a while. So that was what I was expecting.

I even thought, how am I holding the two babies?

But this didn’t happen this time. They just showed me my babies for a few seconds and took them away. What is happening?

They told me that they had to check the babies and they had to close me up. Ok, that sounds normal. They are checking them, and after that they are bringing them to me at the post labor room where I’m going to feed them (like when Olivia was born).

By this time all of Arturo’s and my family were anxiously waiting on the other side of the glass to see the babies.

20,30,40,50 minutes and no babies. What is happening? I was sedated from the waist down and still felt a little weird. I just kept asking the nurse what was going on and he told me that I had to recover from the surgery.

I found out this a few days afer the babies were out of the hospital because Arturo didn't want to upset me, but while the doctors were closing me up the pediatrician asked Arturo to leave the room and sign some papers because our babies had to be interfered. Jero was born with liquid inside his lungs so he couldn’t breathe properly and since Lucia was born under the same circumstances they had to check her to.

Then with his eyes full of tears and totally confused he went out to tell everybody that the surgery was over but they wouldn’t be able to see the babies since they were taken to NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).

The hardest part was that he now had to tell ME because I was in the post labor room thinking that they were going to bring my babies any second. Never in a million years I would’ve thought that in that exact moment Jero was being intubated.

I really don’t remember when and how he told me. It’s like I’ve blocked it from my brain. I can only remember what I felt and I really hope to never have that feeling again. I felt like if someone was pressing my heart with all of their strength and I just couldn’t breathe.

I don’t know what happened after that. I truly don’t remember. I don’t know if it is because of my bad memory or the fact that I don’t want to remember that day.

I had my babies living inside of me for eight months, I gave birth to them both and now I couldn’t see them because I couldn’t stand up and they couldn’t come out of NICU.

I was told that I was going to be able to see them the next morning after they gave me a bath. It was the worst night of my life. I felt the tiredest I’ve ever felt but I just couldn’t stop thinking of my babies feeling abandoned and lonely after being together for “all of their lives”, suddenly they were separated from each other and from me. I just wanted to get up and run towards them.

So I finally felt asleep and woke up the next day at 6 a.m and made Arturo call the nurse to see if they could help me bathe so I could go see my babies.

They told me that we had to wait for a little while and they ended up getting me ready till 9 a.m.

When I entered the room where my babies were I just broke apart. I just couldn’t get my mind around it. I remember the nurses speaking and explaining things to me but just like in the movies I saw their mouths move and didn’t hear or understand a thing they were saying. I just wanted to hold my babies so they could recognize me and feel safe and protected.

I spent the most time that I could with them just holding and feeding them but I couldn’t get to far since they were both connected to a monitor.

That night I slept a little better. Not knowing that things were about to get worse the next morning. I called the NICU first thing in the morning to ask how the babies spent the night and the nurse told me that she wasn’t allowed to give me any information, that I had to wait for the babies pediatrician to give me the updates. So finally when he arrived he told me that Jeronimo was getting better but they were now concerned about Lucia since she had Apneas during the night.

Apneas? What is that? ( I didn’t know either). It is the term for the absence of breathing for more than 20 seconds.

There, another awful shock. She now had to start treatment to see how her body reacted.

I was discharged from the hospital that day but I decided I wanted to stay at the hospital because I couldn’t bare the situation of going home without my babies. At the same time I felt so anxious and worried about Olivia because she was only one year old and I didn’t want her to feel confused or pushed aside.

The next day the pediatrician told me that the babies were not going out that day or the day after and the best was for me to go home and visit the babies during visit hours.

I remember entering the babies room as soon as I entered the house and I just burst into tears. I just couldn’t understand what was I supposed to do.

I needed to pull myself together because I didn’t want Oli to see me that way and in the other hand I had to be calm in order to be able to produce milk for the babies.

Life is never as we expect it to be. But it sure gives us huge rewards after hard situations.

After 6 days our babies were finally discharged but they had to continue their treatment at home.

They are now one year old perfectly healthy babies with no sequels of the condition they were born in.

I don’t know If I should say this but a lot changed and moved inside of me after that experience. I even took some important people out of my life which I considered close because they just didn’t show me the support that I needed to feel at that time. They just assumed I was fine. After all, there are a lot of babies that need special care after being born right? Not that big a deal.

But the truth is, IT IS A BIG DEAL. Nobody is prepared for it. So because of it I’m dedicating this post to all of the NICU parents out there who felt as lost as I felt.

I feel nothing but grateful with all of the friends and family who supported us during those hard times. And I’m glad to say most of them are really present and important in all of my kid’s lives.

Yesterday was their first birthday and I just feel so thankful for all of the blessings they have given me.